When any type of cheating occurs in a relationship, there are two levels of pain: The first stems from the cheating or betrayal itself; the second from the lies and deceit that took place to cover up the betrayal.
Cheating, for most couples, is the ultimate hurt. Most people will say—until it happens to them—that cheating would be the ultimate “last straw.” However, many couples also seek to try to recover, to renew their bond with each other, and to strengthen their relationship.
At Prescott Relationship Center, we’ve seen how couples can heal even after the deepest of wounds, especially when using approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). This evidence-based method helps couples repair trust and rebuild emotional bonds by addressing the underlying pain and unmet needs that often lead to betrayal.
Recovery from cheating is a choice that couples can make. The decision to work through the trauma of betrayal means that difficult times may lie ahead as the couple struggles to understand what went wrong, to trust again, and to commit to the marriage as a sacred, trusting bond. EFT provides a roadmap for navigating these challenges, helping couples move toward a more secure connection.
What Is “Cheating”?
It would seem obvious, but couples often fall into a trap of how they can or should define cheating. Try this definition: Cheating is whatever upsets the other partner and diminishes their trust.
Cheating can include flirting, sexting, internet contact with others, checking dating sites, contact with previous partners, or unusual closeness with co-workers or friends. What matters is whether the other partner felt hurt, afraid of losing the relationship, or that trust had been broken in some way.
Shirley Glass, in her classic book Not Just Friends, helped us understand the “line” that gets crossed. She distinguished whether the outside person was or was not “a friend of the marriage.” Would your partner or spouse welcome this person into your home and feel trust? Is this person well-known to your partner, and are your actions with this outside person something you would fully disclose to your spouse or partner? EFT helps couples explore these questions in a way that fosters mutual understanding and compassion, rather than blame.
Is the Marriage or Relationship Over After Cheating?
Not necessarily. Keep in mind that healing and recovery are a choice. Here are some facts to know:
- 70 percent of couples choose to rebuild their relationship after an affair; however, divorce is two times more likely after an affair.
- Less than 25 percent of those who cheated leave the marriage for the affair partner, and there is a poor rate of success for those new relationships.
- Affairs can happen in “good” marriages, though there is often found to be less connection recently in the relationship than in the past. This distancing does not excuse the affair, of course.
While the statistics show some promise, the work itself is often not easy. Yet, couples who choose to work through the pain of the affair in therapy—especially through EFT—can experience a new level of closeness and connection. EFT addresses the emotional disconnection that often underlies infidelity, helping partners to better understand each other’s needs and vulnerabilities.
First Steps Toward Healing
The cheating partner must make a commitment to the marriage and to helping his or her partner heal. They admit to the affair or other activities and agree to work to help the partner trust again. All contact with the affair partner should end immediately.
EFT emphasizes the importance of emotional transparency, not just logistical transparency. Beyond granting access to emails or phones, EFT focuses on creating open, heartfelt conversations that rebuild trust. The hurt partner’s pain must be acknowledged and validated. Minimizing their hurt—for example, by saying, “It was just a few innocent texts”—can actually increase distrust and pain. Instead, EFT helps both partners engage with their deeper emotions and communicate in ways that foster healing.
Handling the Emotions After Betrayal Is Discovered
Our strongest emotions—both positive and negative—are toward our partner. We form a powerful bond when we fall in love, and betrayal of this bond results in intense emotions like anger, fear, sadness, and feeling overwhelmed. These emotions can feel unmanageable for both the hurt partner and the betraying partner.
EFT helps couples understand and regulate these emotions. For the hurt partner, EFT creates space to express their pain and anxiety in a constructive way. For the betraying partner, EFT provides tools to offer comfort and reassurance without becoming defensive. Both partners learn to recognize the deeper emotional needs driving their reactions, making it easier to move forward together.
The Hurt Partner’s Needs
When cheating has been revealed, the hurt partner typically experiences a range of emotions—hurt, anger, shock, and despair—as well as numerous questions:
- Why did you go outside the relationship? What were you seeking that you could not get from me?
- What was missing in our marriage or relationship?
- What occurred during the affair?
- How can I know this won’t happen again?
EFT is especially helpful in addressing these questions because it focuses on the unmet emotional needs that often contribute to infidelity. Through EFT, couples can explore these issues in a way that strengthens their bond rather than creating more distance.
The Betraying Partner’s Responses
Underneath the hurt partner’s anger and tears is a fundamental question: Am I still important to you, and can I trust you again? EFT helps the betraying partner respond to this question with empathy and accountability. By guiding the betraying partner to express genuine remorse and a commitment to change, EFT paves the way for rebuilding trust.
Some key steps include:
- Answering questions as completely as possible at the outset to avoid further hurt caused by delayed revelations.
- Staying calm and compassionate, even when faced with intense emotions.
- Offering consistent reassurance and demonstrating a commitment to transparency and emotional openness.
What We Know About Cheating
By and large (though there are always exceptions), cheating does not typically occur in a close and connected relationship. Both partners are able to discuss and resolve concerns, recognize when they have become less connected, and talk about how their relationship has changed.
When emotional connection deteriorates, partners can feel less important, less attractive, and less desired. EFT addresses these issues by helping couples rebuild their emotional connection and prioritize their relationship. Partners learn how to communicate their needs and fears in a way that brings them closer, reducing the risk of future betrayals.
Sometimes, Help Is Needed to Aid in Healing
A betrayal creates one of the deepest wounds in a relationship. The nature of cheating is intensely personal, and the emotions that follow can feel overwhelming. At Prescott Relationship Center, we specialize in helping couples navigate this difficult journey using Emotionally Focused Therapy.
Through EFT, couples can:
- Understand the emotional dynamics that led to the betrayal.
- Rebuild trust through open and honest communication.
- Create a stronger, more secure emotional bond.
With counseling, couples can address the underlying issues that contributed to the affair and work toward a more connected and fulfilling relationship. While the memory of betrayal may never fully go away, the process of healing through EFT offers hope and the possibility of a deeper connection than ever before.
If you’re ready to begin the healing process, Prescott Relationship Center is here to help. Our experienced therapists are committed to guiding you through this journey with care and compassion.
